“Why do you want to baptize your son?”

I could tell as soon as the question was asked my friend was not a Christian. All Christians know why you baptize your kids, but rather than getting in a religious discussion (that would not change either of our minds) I simply said “To protect him from vampires”. This usually ended the conversation on a light note and I used the vampire line several times during the waiting period for the next Baptism at St. Alberts.

It was sometime during this waiting period that I went to the convent for a scheduled interview about the Baptism and the appointment of God parents. It had been years since I had visited the convent and I was really looking forward to it, after all I was no longer a student there so I couldn’t get in too much trouble even if I tried.

Sister answered my knock at the door and took me into an office room and offered me a chair. She asked a couple questions about my son and my family, then handed me a piece of paper that could best be described as a light 3×5 card post it note. She asked me to write the name of the God Father I had chosen for my son, and I did. She took the paper and went into another room while I sat in the office. I remember thinking that this must be for the Chronicle so that when they publish the names of all those who were baptized they get the spelling correct.

Sister returned and said “Mr Chuck, the person you chose for God Father has not been to Church in 8 years”. This kind of startled me and I was thinking I could tell her that I would go and bring him to the next mass if she liked but before I could get this out she handed me another 3×5 card and said “Please give me an alternative for God Father”.

I wrote down another friend and once again she left me alone in the room and came back a few moments later with more bad news.

“Mr Chuck, this person hasn’t been to Church in 15 years” she said, then followed it up by saying “Did you not research this before you came here”.

With those words I was no longer an adult but a small child in school not having done my homework assignment. Of course I had not researched this, I thought it was a perk of having the kid to pick the God Parents, but I certainly wasn’t going to tell her that.

“Sister” I said mustering up as much composure as I could “The names I gave you all graduated here so I thought they were good selections”

She looked at me and then handed me another 3×5 card, I put down another friends name and this time she came back just shaking her head at me.

“Mr Chuck, perhaps you need to look into this more” she said in the same way you would tell a child they are going to miss a field trip because they did not do their homework assignment. I knew I was about to get tossed and I would have to go home telling everyone the Baptism was off because I failed the Baptism review.

“Let me give you one more name Sister, this one will work”

I then gave her the name of the Grand Knight at the Knights of Columbus who is in Church all the time. She took the name and came back saying that his name was acceptable. Inside I gave out a big sigh of relief as I figured this disaster of a performance for me was almost over. Sister then shattered my confidence as she gave me another 3×5 card.

“Mr Chuck, please give me your choice for God Mother”.

I knew I was in big trouble now because women are not allowed in the Knights of Columbus so I simply surrendered and told Sister that I wanted my cousin to be God Mother but she was in Iran and I did not know if she was able to make it to Church while she was there.

Sister responded in a way I did not expect as she told me that their was a waiver for people overseas in the military and that if I would write down her name, she was certain their would not be a problem with it.

I wrote my cousins name down and for the first time since my first 3×5 card got rejected I felt good. I might have messed up the God Father but I nailed the God Mother. There was probably some Baptism school or something like that for people who were not as pious as myself but not me, I nailed it first time out.

“Ok Mr. Chuck, just a couple more questions” she said.

“Sure Sister” I said in a pretty stress free tone, although I was still a little stunned from the panic attack I felt coming on earlier.

“Mr. Chuck, why do you want your son baptized”?

Whatever panic attack I thought I was having paled compared to one I was having now. I knew I had stopped breathing and would eventually pass out if I did not say anything soon, my mind was frozen and I could only think of one thing to say.

“To protect him from vampires?” I said meekly as my mind and memory abandoned me completely, leaving me at the mercy of this nun.

My return visit to St. Alberts would go much smoother and the interview was held in one of the classrooms by a different nun. I brought the Grand Knight with me and let him answer most of the questions. Sister seemed ok with everything and had us listen to a song by “Creed”, asking us to pay attention to the lyrics. Since my cousin was still overseas we were good there, and I was now officially ready for the Baptism which took place a few weeks later. The Baptism went smoothly, the party at our house was fun and ironically among the guests were all of the God Father “rejections” as well.

All things considered, it was a great day for everyone, except the vampires of course.